Stay like sheep

We have all strayed like sheep. Each one of us has turned to go his own way, and the Lord has laid all our sins on him. (Isaiah 53:6).

I am amazed at the relentless love of God. Again and again and again, God gives his people another chance. People fail, but God is faithful. I love this verse in Isaiah. For me, it captures the sense that even though we have turned away from God, he has not turned away from us.

When I watch shepherds keeping their sheep together reminds me of the old saying, “It’s like herding cats!” I imagine this is a good picture of what the history of humanity has been like for God.

The more I get in touch with my need to stray from God, the more amazing his love becomes to me. Isaiah expresses it so simply, and yet so profoundly: “but the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.” I love the “but”s in the Bible. And not the one you sit on. They introduce truths that stand in sharp contrast to what we might expect. Here, “but” leads us to the greatest act of love the world would know.

But God. Two of my favorite words: But God. He intervened in my life. He allowed me to stray so far in order that I would trust in Him. I am thankful for His patience with me (as described in 2 Pet. 3:9: The Lord isn’t slow to do what he promised, as some people think. Rather, he is patient for your sake. He doesn’t want to destroy anyone but wants all people to have an opportunity to turn to him and change the way they think and act.). I don't like thinking about where I would be right now without the "But God" moment in my life, but I do know that I am where I am only because of Him. What follows this significant transition of "But God" is intended to challenge our faith and change our life. When He is brought into the picture, God makes all the difference.

Life is going one way-things seem hopeless-but then all of a sudden a holy God intervenes and everything changes. Another way God intervenes in our lives is through His favor, You know, God will give favor to anyone who will believe Him. But that is another message all together.

Jesus suffered terribly on the cross for our sins. It seemed as if God was displeased with Jesus. But in fact Jesus died to do His Father’s will. He lived and died for others, not because of any displeasure that God had against Him personally but so that God’s love might be born forth in the lives of the wicked. We first need to acknowledge our sins, however, before we can ever find the glorious love of God in Christ.

I am a sheep that has gone astray. BUT, God has taken all my iniquity, my sin and laid it on Jesus. From the Cross, he screams across the universe, “I love you!” How can we resist such love? Today, put a “but” on your hand to remind you of God’s love. Maybe you haven't believed, but know that God is chasing after you in love. I pray that you would experience the "But God" moment in your life today!

Today be the person you were too lazy to be yesterday

This is an open letter to the 2 female servers at Gateway Bowling Lanes working sometime around 430 pm on July 31, 2014.

I'm sorry if my size is an issue for you or grossed you out. So much so that you had to point and stare and do the "I'm popular, you're not" heads together thing while talking. Even though I couldn't hear what you were saying, I knew it couldn't be good, because you would stop talking and all that every time I would look at you. But looking at your not so perfect, over weight bodies, you're not happy with your looks. I'm sorry that you feel bad about your weight that it's easier to mock someone else than to look in the mirror. 

I'll also have you know that as I held my head high walking out of the bowling lanes & waited to cry until I was alone, I had 2 amazing pre-teen girls with me that are just in the midst of learning to love themselves for the different sizes that they are, it was more important for them to not be affected by bullies like you, who take to putting someone down who is over weight. Who's the better person? Who's the role model? Not you. I may not be 120 pounds and I may not be able to shop for the newest trendiest clothing but what I lack in that department, I have in abundance, in heart, love, 

compassion, trust, knowledge, and all the other wonderful attributes, that you and people like you will never get to see because you judge people solely on their looks and their weight.

And as I held my head high, unmoved as you mocked me, pretending that your actions had no effect on me, I have feelings the same as you and what you did hurt. Had you teased me 6 months ago about my weight, I would have let that ruin me for days, but know that I have changed & you did not ruin the rest of my day, this kind of petty thing is not so important anymore because I know that I am doing something to change the weight, BUT I am not doing it to please anyone but me.

It's people like you who make the world a hateful, disgusting place. I can't help but feel sorry for you when this sort of thing happens to you one day, or if it already has. I feel sorry that you have judged yourselves for being "gross", that you feel that you don't meet the standards that the world sets on us women to be bone skinny, with no personality, to be consumed with the falseness and that fake world, to look the same as the next person, to not be the individual that we are meant to be, regardless of what size we are. 

We are human and we are not perfect. And once people like you learn to love themselves, there will always be bullies out there to judge people like me because I'm FAT. 

I just hope one day you will be a better person and be proud of the journey, you have trekked and that it is your body that shows the battle map and scars of where you have been and what you accomplished.

Is Life really passing me by?

When you heal the child, you heal the community;
when you heal the community, you heal the child O. Mercredi 

I've come to the realization that life is passing me by. I guess it always has, it's just that I have kept myself too busy to notice. Now that I haven't been "busy" for some time, it really has caught up with me.

I'm just scared that I am not going to figure it out and lose time doing just that. 

Many people already settled into marriage and kids and jobs at this stage of life and I feel like I am just starting. I feel so far away from my "dreams" and that they may never get accomplished and it will be time to "retire"

Fear does not...

Fear does not prevent death

It prevents life.

Naguib Mahfouz

What a revelation!

Aren't we all afraid of something? 

I realized that some of my fears are preventing me from living.  This day will be a turning point for me. 

Will it be for you?

Connecting with people

Well that was a sleepless night. I come to realize that once in a while I need to connect to a voice, hear a voice.  It makes me depressed to not hear a voice.  Texting, that's all fine and dandy but once a week isn't enough. Or feeling like there must be something wrong if I am texting.  That is part of what happened tonight, I was all good till then.  But to assume right off the bat that something is wrong and that I need your full attention.

Usually there is something wrong, when I haven't talked to you in x amount of days, it means I miss you and want to chat or be able to spend time with you.  I am asking you to take the time to talk.  I just need that friendship sometimes.  I am asking you to take some time and pay attention to me in your schedule. Is that too much to ask?

I also get depressed when I don't hear from you and I have to be the one to reach out.  Then I feel like a leech asking you to spend time with me and then you feel obligated to do something.

I don't care if it just coffee or the whole day.  I don't care if all I do is sit there with you and say nothing at all, do nothing at all. Sometimes I just need a connection.

A lot to learn

A Lot to Learn

I've learned 

That you can't make someone love you

That it takes years to build up trust and seconds to destroy it

That it's not what you have but who you have that counts

That you can only get by on charm for about 15 minutes, after that you better know something

That you shouldn't compare yourself to others

That you can do something in an instant, that'll give you heartache for a lifetime

That its taken me a long time to become the person I want to be and I am not done

Depart your loved ones with love, it may be your last chance

That you keep going long after you can't

THat we're responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel

That you either control your attitude or it controls you

That heroes are those that do things needed to be done no matter what

That money is a lousy way of keeping score

That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and still have fun

That sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel

That our past may influence who we are but not who we become

That we don't have to change friends because friends change

The credentials on the wall don't make you a more decent, better person

That it 's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and still standing up for what you believe in.

that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it

that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it

sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up

that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them

and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated

that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it

that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to

can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological

that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself

-Omer B Washington

I have used these to sometimes come back to the person I want to be

Worry

At your worst point, the quickest way to move through it is to be a contribution as opposed to focusing on your problems. If you focus on your problems and keep giving them attention, they're going to grow. If you ignore them and do something else - I don't mean act like they're not here - but do something meaningful, it helps you work through it. - Iyanla Vanzant

Isn't this the truth.  Problems always seem to grow, the more you focus on them instead of focusing on the solution. And sometimes when we don't know how to move through them, that's when you need to find some sort of support. Find someone to talk to that will tell you the truth, no matter what, but is sensitive about it, because we have feelings after all.

I know for myself, many times the same problem keeps coming around. Usually it is because I haven't learned what the solution is or I don't know how to be a contribution to life in spite of the problem.

When I don't know how to be a contribution to life, its not the problem that gets to me, because I am really good at problem solving, its the depression and unhappiness and the negative thoughts that get to me.  I am my own worst critic.  So I have learned to say to myself at the beginning of the negative thoughts and problem "what is the source of this particular issue" and if I can pinpoint what the cause is, I say "what can solve this?"

Am I immune to getting over it quickly, no I am not.  Am I perfect, no I am not.

Are you asking yourself, what lesson can I get out of this today? Well if all you learn is that you are not alone, I have been successful. If you also learn that your problem is common and there is a solution, great and if you learned a technique to move forward, to learn how to work through it, awesome.

Keep moving forward, we were never told that life would be easy, just that it was worth it. And the sun will shine again.

Let this be the first step to being successful in being a contribution to life instead of being part of the problem.

One Little Letter

When you stand and share your story in an empowering way,

your story will heal you and your story will heal someone else - Iyanla Vanzant

Why oh why do people, think that it is ok to call me Christine, when my name is Christina?

I usually let you know the first time you call me Christine that my name is Christina, so that in future you can call me by the correct name. It would be like me calling you Kristoff, when your name is Christopher. I am usually more lenient on how you spell it because it easier to misspell it.  And I tell them that those names are not interchangeable.

Some are like,  oh ok, thanks I will remember that in the future.  But then I get the people that, all upitty in my face, saying You SHOULDN'T be correcting people on what they call you, it's just one little letter.

My name is a big part of my identity, a big part of who I am, as it is for most people.  And when you tell me to let people call me whatever name they like, it's like you telling me, that my identity, my name, who I am doesn't matter.

And then proceed to tell me, how I should be coming across, how I should be behaving and how I should be speaking,, And that I shouldn't be responding harshly or this or that and that I should love everybody.

It has gone so far beyond being about one little letter.  Most people are ok with me asking them to call me by the proper name.  It's people that make me asking to be called the right name, such a big deal, that my feelings get hurt. It becomes more about letting people call me whatever name they want, then the asking to be called the right name itself, and my point is when you call me whatever you want, even though its ONE LITTLE LETTER, you are stripping me of who I am and I am going to fight to keep who I am intact.

It then becomes about me fighting to keep my identity, then every one gets offended.  Then telling me to take responsibility for it all being blown out of proportion.  Almost everybody is ok when I say, my name is X not Y and most times the conversation is done and we move on.  Its when people tell me that I am wrong in asking, feelings get hurt and swept under the rug, people get misunderstood or not heard at all.

When my feelings get hurt and swept under the rug, or feel that I am not being heard, then I am fighting to tell people that they have hurt me and when I don't get any acknowledgement, then I shut down and bottle everything up and that is more dangerous for my health and that is more detrimental to my well being.  Then people wonder why I have depression, and don't love myself and don't feel like a productive person and why I don't want to get out of bed somedays, or don't leave the house for days at a time. Then I am so lonely, that I end up suffocating my friends, by NEEDING them so bad, that I can't stand to be alone.

See how ONE LITTLE LETTER has blown up into a LIFE CHANGING EVENT?

So I ask, please don't tell me HOW I should be behaving, like you are trying to beat it into me.  If you feel that I am having a bad day, take the time to walk it though with me, JUST MAYBE that's all I need. Or say HEY, I see you are having a bad day, whats going on? Maybe I am having a bad moment and need to just go through it, just love me the way I am in that moment, so that I can love myself in those moments. No judgments, no harsh words, no telling me how I should be acting, no beating me over the head with a bible.....

JUST LOVE ME THE WAY I AM

I've been lying to myself

Your life is always talking to you. But are you paying attention?

Are you paying attention to the circumstances, situations

- and yes even people - who support you in being less than and doing less than

you are capable of doing?

Because if you are not paying attention, you surround yourself with things

and people that don't have your best interests at heart - Iyanla VanZant

Well said Iyanla.  I have not been paying attention to the circumstances, situations, people and my own body.  I have not doing the most I am capable of or being the best I can be.  

I have been lying to myself about who I am. I have been telling fibs to impress others and to hide what I perceive in myself as a weakness, as a flaw.  To keep from finding out, I was compelled to lie.  But I now know, that what I drew to me is what I was.  If I was being dishonest, with someone, they were being dishonest with me.  Dishonesty in general and lying in particular, is the fear-motivated behavior of the need to be in control and the lack of self-knowledge.

You think that I would have the most knowledge of myself over anyone else.  Well, on one hand I did, was it all good, not it wasn't.  On the other hand, I was lost to myself.

I have 6 months to "be" with myself and learn all about who I was prior to December 1, 2013, who I thought I was prior to that date and learning to better than that person since that date.  Has I become a new person overnight, no.  I now have a lifetime to become the person I am meant to be.

It has been a lot of tears, a lot of grieving, a lot of not wanting to be with myself, because I didn't like/love myself in those moments.  A lot of learning how to mean what I say and say what I mean, to think that out before saying it. 

I definitely grieve for the people that I wronged.  I betrayed their trust and I am not sure I will ever get their trust back.  Do I miss them, absolutely.   DO they love me, YES this I know for sure, do they want what's best for me YES. Will our relationship be like it was before, NO.  

Will we ever have a relationship again, I don't know.  But I will continue to work on myself to become better and stronger than before