I've been lying to myself

Your life is always talking to you. But are you paying attention?

Are you paying attention to the circumstances, situations

- and yes even people - who support you in being less than and doing less than

you are capable of doing?

Because if you are not paying attention, you surround yourself with things

and people that don't have your best interests at heart - Iyanla VanZant

Well said Iyanla.  I have not been paying attention to the circumstances, situations, people and my own body.  I have not doing the most I am capable of or being the best I can be.  

I have been lying to myself about who I am. I have been telling fibs to impress others and to hide what I perceive in myself as a weakness, as a flaw.  To keep from finding out, I was compelled to lie.  But I now know, that what I drew to me is what I was.  If I was being dishonest, with someone, they were being dishonest with me.  Dishonesty in general and lying in particular, is the fear-motivated behavior of the need to be in control and the lack of self-knowledge.

You think that I would have the most knowledge of myself over anyone else.  Well, on one hand I did, was it all good, not it wasn't.  On the other hand, I was lost to myself.

I have 6 months to "be" with myself and learn all about who I was prior to December 1, 2013, who I thought I was prior to that date and learning to better than that person since that date.  Has I become a new person overnight, no.  I now have a lifetime to become the person I am meant to be.

It has been a lot of tears, a lot of grieving, a lot of not wanting to be with myself, because I didn't like/love myself in those moments.  A lot of learning how to mean what I say and say what I mean, to think that out before saying it. 

I definitely grieve for the people that I wronged.  I betrayed their trust and I am not sure I will ever get their trust back.  Do I miss them, absolutely.   DO they love me, YES this I know for sure, do they want what's best for me YES. Will our relationship be like it was before, NO.  

Will we ever have a relationship again, I don't know.  But I will continue to work on myself to become better and stronger than before