An insignificant to you, can be significant to me

Boy, the constant praise of someone other than me, for the exact same job, may seem like a little nothing to you because you only see 5, 10 or even 60 minutes every day....But see it means something to me, it hurts, because they haven't done this job you just praised them for in some time and I have been doing it every day some times for hours and hours without a break. I pour myself into it and they don't. I sit here when I am sick, tired, migraines, throwing up and so much more. I feel guilty for leaving my post to go do personal things, I worry when I am not there that is the job being taken care of, what if this happens, what if that happens, what if they need this and they don't know how to do it.

What if I am really am not needed?

What if all the hours and hours, don't mean any thing?

Some times I am just so tired of being the pushover, but then when I try to be assertive, I am being a bitch, a big fat scary monster.

Why I am the one, oh she'll be there, we can slack and then when it comes to being congratulated on the back, we will just swoop in and pretend we were here the whole time.

I don't know why its so important to be remembered and get that pat on the back for a job well done. Maybe because every time I worked hard on something, and got that award, those that I feel abandoned me, would come together, that's how it always works in my family, you work hard get the attention, the award, I will pay attention but that's the only way you will get my attention. 

Otherwise you're just an insignificant flower on the wall, not spectacular, nothing to keep the spotlight on.  Just some boring, less than average person, a bump on the log.  No one to really pay attention to, she'll be alright, she has proven she can take care of herself.

What is it all for? Why do I do what I do? Is it because I am selfish? Is it because I need to be told every day that I have done something right with my life, for once.

I don't know any more. 

It seems that I can take, take and take, and then one day it just all ends up in a pile of goo at the bottom of my feet and I am 5 again, needing some one to say get up and move forward.....