Worry

At your worst point, the quickest way to move through it is to be a contribution as opposed to focusing on your problems. If you focus on your problems and keep giving them attention, they're going to grow. If you ignore them and do something else - I don't mean act like they're not here - but do something meaningful, it helps you work through it. - Iyanla Vanzant

Isn't this the truth.  Problems always seem to grow, the more you focus on them instead of focusing on the solution. And sometimes when we don't know how to move through them, that's when you need to find some sort of support. Find someone to talk to that will tell you the truth, no matter what, but is sensitive about it, because we have feelings after all.

I know for myself, many times the same problem keeps coming around. Usually it is because I haven't learned what the solution is or I don't know how to be a contribution to life in spite of the problem.

When I don't know how to be a contribution to life, its not the problem that gets to me, because I am really good at problem solving, its the depression and unhappiness and the negative thoughts that get to me.  I am my own worst critic.  So I have learned to say to myself at the beginning of the negative thoughts and problem "what is the source of this particular issue" and if I can pinpoint what the cause is, I say "what can solve this?"

Am I immune to getting over it quickly, no I am not.  Am I perfect, no I am not.

Are you asking yourself, what lesson can I get out of this today? Well if all you learn is that you are not alone, I have been successful. If you also learn that your problem is common and there is a solution, great and if you learned a technique to move forward, to learn how to work through it, awesome.

Keep moving forward, we were never told that life would be easy, just that it was worth it. And the sun will shine again.

Let this be the first step to being successful in being a contribution to life instead of being part of the problem.

One Little Letter

When you stand and share your story in an empowering way,

your story will heal you and your story will heal someone else - Iyanla Vanzant

Why oh why do people, think that it is ok to call me Christine, when my name is Christina?

I usually let you know the first time you call me Christine that my name is Christina, so that in future you can call me by the correct name. It would be like me calling you Kristoff, when your name is Christopher. I am usually more lenient on how you spell it because it easier to misspell it.  And I tell them that those names are not interchangeable.

Some are like,  oh ok, thanks I will remember that in the future.  But then I get the people that, all upitty in my face, saying You SHOULDN'T be correcting people on what they call you, it's just one little letter.

My name is a big part of my identity, a big part of who I am, as it is for most people.  And when you tell me to let people call me whatever name they like, it's like you telling me, that my identity, my name, who I am doesn't matter.

And then proceed to tell me, how I should be coming across, how I should be behaving and how I should be speaking,, And that I shouldn't be responding harshly or this or that and that I should love everybody.

It has gone so far beyond being about one little letter.  Most people are ok with me asking them to call me by the proper name.  It's people that make me asking to be called the right name, such a big deal, that my feelings get hurt. It becomes more about letting people call me whatever name they want, then the asking to be called the right name itself, and my point is when you call me whatever you want, even though its ONE LITTLE LETTER, you are stripping me of who I am and I am going to fight to keep who I am intact.

It then becomes about me fighting to keep my identity, then every one gets offended.  Then telling me to take responsibility for it all being blown out of proportion.  Almost everybody is ok when I say, my name is X not Y and most times the conversation is done and we move on.  Its when people tell me that I am wrong in asking, feelings get hurt and swept under the rug, people get misunderstood or not heard at all.

When my feelings get hurt and swept under the rug, or feel that I am not being heard, then I am fighting to tell people that they have hurt me and when I don't get any acknowledgement, then I shut down and bottle everything up and that is more dangerous for my health and that is more detrimental to my well being.  Then people wonder why I have depression, and don't love myself and don't feel like a productive person and why I don't want to get out of bed somedays, or don't leave the house for days at a time. Then I am so lonely, that I end up suffocating my friends, by NEEDING them so bad, that I can't stand to be alone.

See how ONE LITTLE LETTER has blown up into a LIFE CHANGING EVENT?

So I ask, please don't tell me HOW I should be behaving, like you are trying to beat it into me.  If you feel that I am having a bad day, take the time to walk it though with me, JUST MAYBE that's all I need. Or say HEY, I see you are having a bad day, whats going on? Maybe I am having a bad moment and need to just go through it, just love me the way I am in that moment, so that I can love myself in those moments. No judgments, no harsh words, no telling me how I should be acting, no beating me over the head with a bible.....

JUST LOVE ME THE WAY I AM

I've been lying to myself

Your life is always talking to you. But are you paying attention?

Are you paying attention to the circumstances, situations

- and yes even people - who support you in being less than and doing less than

you are capable of doing?

Because if you are not paying attention, you surround yourself with things

and people that don't have your best interests at heart - Iyanla VanZant

Well said Iyanla.  I have not been paying attention to the circumstances, situations, people and my own body.  I have not doing the most I am capable of or being the best I can be.  

I have been lying to myself about who I am. I have been telling fibs to impress others and to hide what I perceive in myself as a weakness, as a flaw.  To keep from finding out, I was compelled to lie.  But I now know, that what I drew to me is what I was.  If I was being dishonest, with someone, they were being dishonest with me.  Dishonesty in general and lying in particular, is the fear-motivated behavior of the need to be in control and the lack of self-knowledge.

You think that I would have the most knowledge of myself over anyone else.  Well, on one hand I did, was it all good, not it wasn't.  On the other hand, I was lost to myself.

I have 6 months to "be" with myself and learn all about who I was prior to December 1, 2013, who I thought I was prior to that date and learning to better than that person since that date.  Has I become a new person overnight, no.  I now have a lifetime to become the person I am meant to be.

It has been a lot of tears, a lot of grieving, a lot of not wanting to be with myself, because I didn't like/love myself in those moments.  A lot of learning how to mean what I say and say what I mean, to think that out before saying it. 

I definitely grieve for the people that I wronged.  I betrayed their trust and I am not sure I will ever get their trust back.  Do I miss them, absolutely.   DO they love me, YES this I know for sure, do they want what's best for me YES. Will our relationship be like it was before, NO.  

Will we ever have a relationship again, I don't know.  But I will continue to work on myself to become better and stronger than before