Rom 12:16-18 ERV  Live together in peace with each other. Don't be proud, but be willing to be friends with people who are not important to others. Don't think of yourself as smarter than everyone else.  17  If someone does you wrong, don't try to pay them back by hurting them. Try to do what everyone thinks is right.  18  Do the best you can to live in peace with everyone.

Recently I had this thing, I don't even know what to call it, it wasn't really what you would call a fight but it was enough for the offence to be still going on today.  Now I had this big long apology written out for a dear friend of mine, which is the following:

I know you are disappointed in me, and I know you have distanced yourself from me, so I can’t hurt you again, but I apologize that my words offended you, I am sorry that I walked in the flesh and not in the spirit. I’m sorry that I allowed the devil to place a wedge between us and is continuing to make that wedge wider. Please forgive me, please show me mercy, it was not my intention to hurt you, I did go about it all wrong. I would like to have my friend again. Will you free me from this offence, this punishment? Am I worthy, valuable enough to receive your friendship again? Or will I always be a wretched stench. I have carried this around all week that you just want to hate me…I know how silly of me, but you see how this misunderstanding has gone from just that to hatred and bitterness and unforgiveness. You see that WE are letting the devil come between the friendship?

I’m not here to point any one out as the starter fluid of this and we all ended up walking in the flesh that day and see friend A and I worked stuff out, by being able to show how we were both maybe right in our intentions but wrong in our behaviour and that yeah we offended.  And yes Friend A was able to take the correction, and was able to come to you and work things out and you two are all good now.. But why do I feel that I am still being judged by you….that somehow I am unworthy. You see, I know the devil is whispering in my ear, telling me, I am unworthy, unlovable, unreachable, untrustworthy, unteachable, undesirable, that you have washed your hands of me

How to be in a group of people and feel alone, lonely

Well its been told that you can be in a group of people and still feel all alone and/or lonely.

I can say I have experienced this. My goodness it isn't pleasant.

Last night I couldnt sleep, so I decided I was going to go into a chat room ,that I have been frequenting for many, many months. And when I got there, there were a few people in there and 3 were actively talking and those 3 had their cams on, so I know they were at their computers. I got 1 greeting and that was it, nobody else greeted me and even that one that did, that was all I got from them was a hello.

They were too busy chatting with each about themselves and what was going on with them, that it was as if they didnt see anyone else in the room.

So I just left. And so then that just did not sit well with my soul. I have spent months with these people and I went in there lonely, but definitely felt alone in this group of people.  I left feeling more wounded when I left, then when I did when I went in.

Am I like this, am I selective with who I speak with. Lord, my word, I don't ever want to treat anyone like they are on the outside looking in, when they really are inside.

Lord, how do I help these people, myself included, stop being selective, in a cliché, because it hurts when it happens to you.

Lord, open their eyes to accept that they do this, whether they mean to or not. Father help them change these ways. It is a hard process to change the way we do things but most times for our growth, you never take us through something to leave us worse of then we were before, amen

An insignificant to you, can be significant to me

Boy, the constant praise of someone other than me, for the exact same job, may seem like a little nothing to you because you only see 5, 10 or even 60 minutes every day....But see it means something to me, it hurts, because they haven't done this job you just praised them for in some time and I have been doing it every day some times for hours and hours without a break. I pour myself into it and they don't. I sit here when I am sick, tired, migraines, throwing up and so much more. I feel guilty for leaving my post to go do personal things, I worry when I am not there that is the job being taken care of, what if this happens, what if that happens, what if they need this and they don't know how to do it.

What if I am really am not needed?

What if all the hours and hours, don't mean any thing?

Some times I am just so tired of being the pushover, but then when I try to be assertive, I am being a bitch, a big fat scary monster.

Why I am the one, oh she'll be there, we can slack and then when it comes to being congratulated on the back, we will just swoop in and pretend we were here the whole time.

I don't know why its so important to be remembered and get that pat on the back for a job well done. Maybe because every time I worked hard on something, and got that award, those that I feel abandoned me, would come together, that's how it always works in my family, you work hard get the attention, the award, I will pay attention but that's the only way you will get my attention. 

Otherwise you're just an insignificant flower on the wall, not spectacular, nothing to keep the spotlight on.  Just some boring, less than average person, a bump on the log.  No one to really pay attention to, she'll be alright, she has proven she can take care of herself.

What is it all for? Why do I do what I do? Is it because I am selfish? Is it because I need to be told every day that I have done something right with my life, for once.

I don't know any more. 

It seems that I can take, take and take, and then one day it just all ends up in a pile of goo at the bottom of my feet and I am 5 again, needing some one to say get up and move forward.....

Have you ever lost something

Ok so get this.

I have been searching high and low for my iPod......in my apartment AND I know its in my apartment because in the time frame that I have lost it, I was in my apartment.

Now I have retraced my steps in my apartment like 5 or 6 times and still have not come up with the iPod .

Now I had it before I took a nap at about 3 pm but did not have it at 7pm.

In that time frame, I went from my bedroom into my living room, sat everything down on the coffee table, got up went into the kitchen and back to the living room...Stayed there for about and hr, hr and a half.

Came back to the bedroom, went to the washroom and came back to the bedroom.

Hmm.....

Disappearing into thin air

Inside of each of you, there are sirens, honking horns and gridlock,but there is also peace, joy, contentment. With the help of God, we can do the work and climb the stairs from the negative to the positive. 

So to use the cliche given to us by Forrest Gump - Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you gonna get.  That is so true, but it's what we do when we take one of those chocolates, good, bad or ugly....

If we are fully relying on God, then we have no fear that He is got it all under control. And even if your brain thinks you ain't gonna make it thru, trust deep down in your heart, your spirit, that you know that you know that you know, that you are walking in the solution right now.  

The enemy always fights the hardest when he knows God has something in store. And the devil uses our fear, anxiety, insecurities to get us focused on those things instead of God and His plan and His purpose for us.

So here is my fear today. Would anyone notice I just simply vanished? 

Disappeared into thin air? 

Are the friends I have too self absorbed to even notice, when I am off my "schedule"?

What if I did fade away, would that be so horrible? 

Did I invest much more time, energy and care into people, that just could care less if they gave it back to me?

My heart is hurting, because I don't see a genuine concern for me. I try to be solid, stay consistent, for the most part, doing some of the same things at the same time so that if something was to happen, someone would jump up and say, wait hold on, something isn't right.  But I truly did not see that today. 

So is the enemy working in my life right now? You betcha!!! Do I care right now...nope.

I am just so tired of being that constant n peoples' lives, being that thing they could set their clocks by. Tired of being here for everyone else, while my life gets put on hold.

Do I believe that I am walking in my solution? yes.....

Do I believe I am walking from negative to positive? yes

Do I believe that God is by my side? yes

Don't despair, if you feel invisible or that you aren't noticable...We all are, just sometimes its God's way of getting your attention about something in your life.

Taking out the trash

Romans 8:35-39The Voice (VOICE)

35 So who can separate us? What can come between us and the love of God’s Anointed? Can troubles, hardships, persecution, hunger, poverty, danger, or even death? The answer is, absolutely nothing. 36 As the psalm says,On Your behalf, our lives are endangered constantly; we are like sheep awaiting slaughter.37 But no matter what comes, we will always taste victory through Him who loved us. 38 For I have every confidence that nothing—not death, life, heavenly messengers, dark spirits, the present, the future, spiritual powers, 39 height, depth, nor any created thing—can come between us and the love of God revealed in the Anointed, Jesus our Lord.

9am MST June 9, 2015

I had to say this before I lost it all. Or miss the message that you need to hear.  I see once again you are going to internalize this stuff, instead of letting it out and in turn breaking one more link off that chain that is binding you to this stuff….Please just listen to me. Sure you know all this stuff already, and that is part of your struggle. It’s playing in your head that why oh why can’t I just put into practice the same stuff I counsel others on.  Nobody that’s IN a struggle can ever put into practice their own advice they give to others because it was meant for them, simply because it’s not the advice that God has intended for you to hear when you are in the same struggle. You are you and they are them and the advice is unique to the person receiving it.

Do I know what I am talking about, gosh, I know I have been in the exact same spot, saying almost the exact same thing to myself, I shake my head at myself, cause I beat myself up cause, I should have gotten this by now, and then I realize that I am trying to fix the problem myself with my own advice, and I am getting in my own way and it perpetuates the issue and it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

Is my way perfect? NO because, first it’s my way and second I am imperfect.  As you know, the only way that is perfect is thru Jesus. 

And finding ourselves in the same scenario, time after time, is because the way we are handling it, isn’t the way. Or do we have a purpose to witness to the other person in the scenario, perhaps God needs something to get thru and He can only use us to get thru to the other person and in it all there is a healing, even when we don’t see it.

What I have learned so far, in my walk, is that yes the struggles will come, and yes the devil will always find a way to get in, yes there is an open door…Once we shine a light on the devil and how he got into the struggle and choose God to help us to turn it around, he can’t do anything but flee.

This is how I work thru it, I first realize that yes there is an open door, yes the devil got in, yes he is throwing rocks, but I turn to what God has taught me thus far and I ask Him what He wants me to learn in this particular struggle or haven’t learnt yet, or what healing is in it, and trust in His timing and trust there is a solution.  Most times the solution, for me, is that I have to wallow in the junk, the stench, the garbage, to recognize those feelings, so in the future, I can recognize them much sooner so I can put the lid of God onto the trash can and haul it out to the corner, so God can haul it away.  And I trust that eventually there will be nothing left to wallow in, nothing left to haul away and it becomes a dead issue. That is healing.

Am I saying the way that God is dealing with my junk is right?  Well it’s moulded to my life, so its right for me…Will it work for you, maybe not…Will it help you, maybe.  I don’t know, but what I know for sure, is that God’s got this and the solution will never look the way it should be because we are looking thru our own eyes, with our own understanding. 

So let go and Let God…..

Feelings

Words...Where do I even begin...Feelings? What is it that I am feeling? Is numbness of feelings a feeling? Let me check the dictionary or wikipedia or something. now calmclinic.com says numbness of feelings is related to anxiety which is related to depression. 7cups of tea.com has an article that says you're too afraid to feel the emotions that made you weak, that made you depressed.

I just want to curl up in a dark room, curtains covering the window and sleep it all away.  It's a form of, what was the word I once used, I use sleep as an avoidance mechanism. 

I just part of it is, no one will really notice I am missing...They haven't yet....So why would they miss me the rest of the night? Insecurity is running high right now...

Psalm 42:5-6The Voice (VOICE) 5 Why am I so overwrought? Why am I so disturbed? Why can’t I just hope in God? Despite all my emotions, I will believe and praise the One who saves me and is my life. 6 My God, my soul is so traumatized; the only help is remembering You wherever I may be; From the land of the Jordan to Hermon’s high place to Mount Mizar.

Well, it seems when I get back to spending time with God, He is calming my insecurity and anxiety. He reminds not to rely on people to validate that I would be missed, but on Him I should spend time with and He will validate that I am loved and that I will not have room for these fears